Thursday, January 28, 2010

complain less, blog more...I really should

If you've ever read this blog you have more than likely noticed A LOT of complaining in the last few posts. And if you've run into me in the past couple months there is no doubt in my mind I have informed you that a) I don't feel well, and b) this pregnancy SUCKS.

Time to change my tune. I need to have more empathy or sympathy, or maybe a little of both. As fabulous as I may be, it is not a Lilah-centered universe. So I have been doing a lot of thinking, and some crying (it's the hormones). Feel free to keep reading and indulge in some of my conclusions.

Here is a bit of background, I had one miscarriage. One. It happened in November 2006. Rob and I had barely been married a year and lived in Jacksonville, FL. It was the first time I had ever lived so far from home. We had our first appointment at 9 weeks and were able to see and hear the heartbeat. The excitement of that first time pregnant is like nothing else. You are fearless and throw your heart into a future you believe is guaranteed. I was there. Two days after that first appointment Rob went out to sea and I miscarried alone in the middle of the night.

I wallowed in my grief. As my pregnancy would have progressed I would see pregnant women and imagine what my growing bump would have looked like. I tortured myself as the months passed, calculating when we would have had a newborn, and then a one or a two month old. My arms felt empty and I longed for my child.

Then came Grace. As sick as that pregnancy made me, I wanted her so badly. I imagine I complained a lot less because as difficult as it was physically, I wanted that baby more than anything else in the world. In the end it was everything and more. I had an AMAZING labor and the sweetest angel baby God could have ever sent my way. After having Grace I was able to accept my first pregnancy was not meant to be, because she was. There were no more feelings about what might have been the first time. If there was ever a baby that was meant to be, it was my Grace.

Even though I don't know the pain of multiple losses or the struggle of fertility treatments, I have friends who do. These things don't happen to "other people." They happen to those near and dear to my heart. So, as nauseous as I may feel, I am going to complain less. If this is the struggle I have to endure to have my baby then I should be grateful that I don't have it worse. I need to remember the time before Grace and realize that some of my friends or family are still at that place longing for a child.

This pregnancy does not suck. What sucks is having miscarriage after miscarriage or painful fertility treatments that take a toll physically, emotionally, and financially. What sucks is what is happening to those poor people in Haiti. Although my stomach is constantly upset I do have a roof over my head, I don't worry where my next meal is coming from, and if I need medical attention I can get it. I have the most amazing little girl that ever was and a husband who's goodness is only surpassed by the size of his heart. Everyday I am surrounded by wonderful people, friends and family. I may feel sick but that will end and I will have a precious little child because of it. I need to stop complaining when I have much to be thankful for. I need to remember that my glass isn't even half-full, it's overflowing.


  1. I can absolutely relate to tracking other babies who are the same age as the one you almost have. I know one couple who had a baby right around the time mine would have been born (ectopic, not miscarriage). She's four years old now and I still can't see her without thinking about what might have been.

    At the same time, I totally relate to knowing it was not meant to be. I'm convinced that the spirit of the first baby wound up in Daisy - she is just too big a personality to only be one child. (Probably doesn't make any sense.)

    Excellent post.

  2. Hey Lilah,

    I wanted to thank you for that acknowledgement - as one of those in the multiple miscarriage plus infertility club (it's a crap club), I can say that I wish for a healthy pregnancy and baby more than just about anything in the universe. I also know that being pregnant in general is full of ambivalence, and having HG must be horrendous. I wish that you could have simple, uncomplicated pregnancies! Just wanted to thank you for this post.