Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Catharsis from my fingertips

Rationally speaking, my last post was one big downer. Depressing as it may have read, it was the final piece of the puzzle that straightened me out. Mentally speaking, I'm in a great place. As great a place as one can be in right now.

Writing is a creative outlet for me. Nothing is more satisfying than a well worded phrase, or a string of terms that pulls you readers in and suddenly you GET me. I love to make others laugh and feel uber fab at the end of a hilarious post. But life is not all sunshine and calorie-free carbohydrates. I don't consider my life any worse or better than anyone else's, I'm just willing to share all of it. The good, the bad, and the funny.

Our status is still in limbo, but we hope to find out soon just how the rest of 2011 should pan out. I have faith in my Navy to send us somewhere we belong whether I think so at the time or not. There is a firm believe in this clan that things happen for a reason. If Rob doesn't deploy to Kuwait next month it wasn't meant to be and we're meant for something else. Truth be told, I never wanted to come to Athens and cried every single day for the first week we were here. Big ol' sappy hormonal pregnant tears, too. Look how that all turned out.

I'm still pulling for deployment, fingers crossed. As much as I'm not a planny-planner, I would like to stick with this original plan. California after Kuwait seems like a fabulous adventure and it'll help steering my minivan out of town if it's headed west with Katie Perry streaming through the speakers. Although I'm not super thrilled to single parent my brood for the deployment duration, I also see it as a right of passage. I've survived deployments with Rob out to sea on my own, but haven't had to pull up my big girl panties and super-mom it up through the good days and bad. Strength is found when I least expect it, and I'm willing to prove my salt as a Navy spouse.

Writing about this helps me think things out and get them out. I can type and leave it, and then it hounds me no more. Blogging is definitely cathartic for me and keeps our friends and loved ones updated. Double win. As for what happens next, we're still waiting to see, and then write.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

status update: bruised but not broken

Rob had a mole on his leg, but now it's gone. We found out that the mole was actually cancerous, a melanoma. It was very shallow and small, about the size of a pencil eraser. The surrounding area of skin was also removed and found to be clear. He just had seven stitches removed that closed up the offending area. Thankfully, we're ok. Rob doesn't have cancer. Rob, does not, have, cancer. But he did.
There is nothing that can scare you sober like "cancer" entering your medical records. Since the melanoma scare HAS entered his medical records our plans may be changing. Rob had/has orders to deploy to Kuwait from April to November of this year. Not so much now. He's "not medically eligible for deployment."
You would think I would be jumping for joy he's not going away, however the opposite is true. I am not chomping at the bit to parent our two small adorable yet chaotic children by myself, but it's what we planned. First we danced with cancer, but only for a moment and left unscathed yet shaken. Now we are in limbo. If Rob doesn't deploy, we'll be leaving Athens in April instead of November, and we have no idea where. Not only do I like to pretend we're never going to leave Athens, but I don't like being slapped in the face with the possibility of our impending departure to parts unknown.
2011 has been a one-two punch and left us swaying where we stand. Knowing that we almost had to battle cancer, but won't is not all blessings and gratefulness. I do feel incredibly grateful and lucky this was caught early. I also feel battered and thrown. We didn't have to fight the fight, but we didn't leave emotionally unscathed either. In an instant life became so fragile and an overcast shadow crept in the fabulous bubble my domestic life is here in Athens. A giant unwelcome wake-up call.
I don't know where we're going next or when. I do know I don't want to leave Athens. I joke about it publicly but cry privately almost daily. I will miss how much teaching knitting at Main Street Yarns feeds my soul. I will miss the only home my children have known. I will miss the friendships that make me feel more like me. I'm so lucky to have people that get, love, & appreciate me (and vice verse). I will miss the WOW Bootcamp workouts that make me feel strong and fast and capable of anything. I will miss my life here in Athens and pray every night that God will keep us here.
I'm on an emotional roller coaster waiting to hear if Rob will get a medical waiver and we can proceed as planned. We're still standing though. Life goes on. Grace still goes to preschool and we still go to play-dates and I'm still teaching a few knitting classes. Life is still living while we're waiting to hear where it will take us next.
The good thing is Rob doesn't have cancer, the days I get so frustrated and angry I need to remember this. Rob doesn't have cancer. We won't have to schedule chemotherapy on our calendar alongside well-visits to the pediatrician. We won't have to endure the body damaging side effects of radiation while trying to potty train our kids. Most importantly of all, we could have been facing a battle to keep my husband and the father of my children. But we won't, and we're ok, and I need to remember that.